Last night, I started to tweet about my self-talk. It wasn’t very funny and was way too long, so I moved it over to an article format. Maybe you’ll find it entertaining and/or enlightening; maybe you’ll find it weird. I will be over here practicing not caring what you think about it either way.
I mean–I care, of course. Your support is important and valued and I want my content to be relatable and enjoyable. I just don’t want to like, care care, you know?

I–ugh. I have some practicing to do. Here it is.


Anxious me: OK, OK, but what if I do manage to get a job, and someone calls me?

Rational me: You answer it.

AM: What if they ask me a question and I don’t know the answer?

RM: Fortune telling distortion. That probably won’t happen.

AM: But what if it does?

RM: You say, “let me find out and get back to you.”

AM: But what if they think I’m an idiot for not knowing?

RM: Mind reading distortion. They probably won’t.

AM: But what if they do?

RM: You’re not an idiot.

AM: But what if they think I am?

RM: The only reason that could possibly matter is if you care about their opinions.

AM: But I do care about their opinions.

RM: Well don’t.

AM: How?

RM: Idk, read an article about it or something.

AM: This article tells me it’s cuz my parents fucked me up.

RM: I… Yeah. It be like that sometimes. — WAIT NO I MEAN. Blame fallacy?

[Anxiety has stopped responding. Now activating depression.]

RM: Fucking shit, not you again.

Depressed Me: Yeah. That’s how I feel about me, too.

RM: Yeah, yeah, and your parents too, I fucking know.

DM: 😢😢 Why the fuck did you have to remind me?

RM: Look, I’m sorry. Stop crying. Take a deep breath. It’s the blame fallacy, it can’t be all their fault.

DM: I can find like 100 ways that this is totally their fault.

RM: Yeah, OK, fair, but you can choose how you move forward now! You moved away. They don’t control you anymore. You can do this!

DM: Or I could sleep. Like. Forever.

RM: No.

DM: *dramatic emo sigh* fine. Back to the article.

*reads*

That article sucked.

RM: Yeah… Another?

DM: *reads*

That article REALLY sucked.

RM: Is this the labeling fallacy?

DM: Is it a fallacy if it’s true?

RM: Ugh. Whatever. Next article.

DM: Ooh, there’s cursing in this one. Fun.

RM: *rolls eyes*

DM: OK, this one links to a study claiming that people have about 50,000 thoughts in a day. Can you take over the math shit from there? I’m fucking tired.

RM: It’s almost midnight. Go to bed.

DM: … … … … …

RM: *sigh*

There are 86,400 seconds in a day, which means the average thought lasts about 1.7 seconds.

DM: So with that said, if someone thinks about me ten times a day…

RM: Then they are thinking about you for a total of about 17 seconds.

So when you catch yourself worrying that someone has judged you, you could meditate or breathe and count to 17. Then they will have forgotten about you, and you can forget about them.

The article also recommends that you know who you are, where you’re going, and what you valueSounds like Moana time, right DM?

DM: *snores*

RM: Oh. AM, are you still alive?

AM: *snores*

RM: Oh. OK. Well, point being: we figure out who we are, practice affirmations and exercises like that meditation thing, and then practice communicating on the phone until we’re more comfortable. With badass social skills on top of curing your exhaustion (which is a whole other story), we can do this together.

*looks at sleeping alter egos*

… After we sleep. Goodnight, me, I love you.